Remember that scene in Footloose where Kevin Bacon shimmies into town, feet fancy and free on Main Street, jean jacket cracking like a whip with each thrust of his arms, and all the townsfolk flee indoors, some peeking out through the sliver between curtains, worried their eyes will melt in their sockets yet too curious to look away, except for Sean Penn’s brother who runs up to Bacon and is like, “What in h-e-double-hockey-sticks are you doing?” and Bacon is like, “Duh. I gotta cut footloose.” and SPB grabs Bacon by the jean jacket and drags him into his house, Bacon’s attempts to free himself a dance in itself, and inside the house, SPB goes into the history of the town and its anti-dancing ways and this montage ensues beginning in the 15th century where the Spanish Inquisition rolls into the town like a wave of blood, collecting all dancers at the center of town where they hang them naked and sic the Spanish Tickler on them, allowing them one last dance, “La Danza de la Muerte.” and then the montage moves to the Old West, a sheriff and his deputies raiding a brothel that’s actually a front for a dance club, arresting dancers and then hanging them in the town square at high noon, and then the montage comes to an end with the recent arrests and excommunications conducted by John Lithgow, his face a mask of sadism, and now Bacon, having taken this all in, is like, “Bring me to Lithgow, SPB.” and SPB reluctantly does so and Bacon and Lithgow meet in the town square, all the townsfolk looking on from the edges, and Bacon screams, “JOHN LITHGOW!” and Lithgow spits, “Bacon.” like venom and then Kenny Loggins’ theme song begins to play and Bacon begins to dance but no one else does and he looks around in confusion and asks, “Don’t you all hear it? Don’t you all hear the sweet, sweet music?” but all are too scared to acknowledge him except for SPB who says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t hear anything.” and Bacon comes to the horrifying conclusion that Kenny Loggins’ theme song is only in his head and he panics and flees the town and Lithgow is all like, “Good riddance, heathen swine!” and SPB and many of the townsfolk are disappointed with themselves as they felt the dance in their hearts, but now Bacon is out in the desert and his lips are chapped and his vision blurred and the vultures circle overhead and he comes upon a jukebox atop a dune and he goes to the jukebox and there stands Kenny Loggins and Kenny Loggins says to Bacon, “The music must be set free. The rhythm is in your heart but it is also in your mind. Free your mind and your ass will follow.” and then he knocks a pattern on top of the jukebox with his fist and disappears and Bacon looks around for him but all is desert again and Bacon screams like a wounded wolf at the sun before all goes black but the moment of darkness passes and Bacon wakes up on the edge of the town and he gets up and, his heart filling with purpose, shimmies into town once again, feet fancy and free, jean jacket cracking, and Lithgow and SPB and the townsfolk are all in their places in the town square and Bacon dances his way to the center of it all and he looks at SPB and nods and then he looks at Lithgow and shouts, “LITHGOW!” and all the power drains from Lithgow’s face because he knows that the reckoning has come and then Bacon brings his fist to his head and knocks that same rhythm that Kenny Loggins did on the jukebox on his skull and Kenny Loggins’ theme song bursts from the mouth of Bacon and all can hear it and all revel in its beauty, dancing with Bacon, finally, and Lithgow, in one last move of desperation, pulls a gun from his jacket and shoots Bacon in the gut and Kenny Loggins’ theme song ceases and Bacon falls to the ground and SPB and the townsfolk gather around Bacon and Lithgow realizes what he’s done, that he’s disobeyed God, and he pushes through to Bacon to try and save Bacon and redeem himself, but when Lithgow reaches him it’s too late, Bacon is dying, so he recounts the error of his ways, proclaiming that a statue will be built in Bacon’s honor and all will dance around it to celebrate life and then Bacon, mustering his last bit of strength, speaks, “As a wise man once told me, ‘The music must be set free. The rhythm is in your heart but it is also in your mind. Free your mind and your ass will follow.’ Take this to heart, but know something else. One day all of my work will be erased. Do not fret at this. I will be reborn as a young woman named Julianne Hough. I will be soft and creamy but still Bacon on the inside. My work will begin again. This is my fate for eternity.” and with that Bacon passed on and into Heaven where his spirit became fancy and free?
That was awesome.