What a Fool Believes

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• Dentists patch up their own wounds using metal fillings. This is just one of the many reasons why Dentists have issues with metal detectors.
• Dentists have ceased to complain about the lack of a dentist television show by creating their own: Dentistry. Dentistry is a heavily-improvised comedy series which uses real patients—unbeknownst to them. A recent episode contained a hilarious sequence where an eight-year-old was unable to rinse with fluoride for the prescribed thirty seconds and so had to do three rinses at ten seconds each. Dentistry is produced by the American Dental Association and episodes are distributed at national, as well as, regional functions.
• Dentists believe vagina dentata would not be such a bad thing if brushed twice a day and treated with a monthly fluoride regimen.
• A Dentist certainly would not like a sugar-riddled soda, thankyouverymuch.
• Saint Apollonia, the Patron Saint of Dentistry, was blessed with this honor after having been persecuted and tortured. Her torture consisted of having all her teeth torn from her mouth. Those “suffering” a toothache from too much cotton candy never seem to hear her response to their prayers: “Oh, fuck off!”
• Another of the many reasons why Dentists have issues with metal detectors is because they’re illegally carrying concealed Micro-Uzis. “Plaque is serious, Officer,” being the standard excuse issued to the Police.
• Every time a bell rings, a Dentist gets its teeth. This is because the tooth they are pulling from a patient’s mouth is tied with fishing line to the clapper of a bell which, when rung, yanks the tooth free from the gums.
• 1 out of 25 Dental Hygienists die from halitosis exposure each year.
• For the past century, Dentists from across the globe have been collecting wisdom teeth and piecing them together, much like a rubber band ball, to create The Great Wisdom Tooth. Dentists believe that any day now The Great Wisdom Tooth will present them with the knowledge of how to eradicate non-Dentists tooth decay from the world forever.

• 1025: Bolesław I Chrobry becomes the first King of Poland. Though he was known as a “remarkable politician, strategist and statesman”, who led several successful military campaigns and brought together the Polish lands, he will always be overshadowed by his younger brother, Colesław, whose salad of cabbage, carrots, buttermilk, and mayonnaise gained him immortality.
• 1666: Jean-Féry Rebel is born. He played violin and composed French Baroque pieces. I don’t know what’s particularly rebellious about that. He didn’t wear a leather jacket when he played or skip class to smoke cigarettes beside his motorcycle or stick it to the man by starting an uprising against a town’s no-dancing law or anything. Some Rebel.
• 1923: Yankee Stadium opens in New York City. Though its most common nickname is “The House That Ruth Built”, for legendary baseball player Babe Ruth, the stadium is also referred to as “The House That Fathers and Their Young Children in Boston Red Sox Shirts Get Surrounded then Screamed and Booed At by Yankees Fans In Front of the Urinals in the Bleacher Seats Bathroom”.
• 1980: Zimbabwe gains independence from the United Kingdom. Despite their freedom, they still have to drive over to Botswana to get all the good fireworks.
• 1988: The United States Navy launches Operation Praying Mantis against Iran. Inspired by the Robert A. Heinlein novel Starship Troopers, the U.S. Navy unleashed a squadron of praying mantises who went on to copulate, behead, and consume three armed Iranian speedboats, one Iranian frigate, and one fast attack gunboat.
• 2012: “America’s Oldest Teenager” Dick Clark passes away. Upon reaching Heaven, Clark is pleasantly surprised to find not Saint Peter waiting but his old friend and colleague Ed McMahon, not the pearly gates but a doorway through a $25,000 Pyramid, and not angels but a party of teenagers dancing to rock and roll.

2011, geriatric, riddled with dementia and confetti-thin bones, must sleep now, perchance to dream of its characters and events taking a place at the fore of Time’s mantle, and make way for 2012, bare and milk-fresh, to grow into another year or the Apocalypse’s finale.

For us, it’s time to celebrate another ending and another beginning, to party with family and friends, to share knowledge of what has been and what’s to come. We at WaFB are happy to provide such knowledge, in hopes that it makes your celebration even richer. Behold, New Year’s Fun Facts:

• New Year’s was invented in 1001 by Manfred Newyeares, a confetti and year-shaped glasses maker.
• Every New Year’s Eve the Times Square Ball is dropped at midnight in New York City. But what becomes of the Ball on New Year’s Day? Each New Year’s Day, the Ball is auctioned off to the highest bidder. For the past five years, the Ball has been fought over by The Magnificent Mort, a Long Island-based magician who wants to the use the Ball for a Bar/Bat Mitzvah illusion that makes the rabbi disappear, and Gleb Zubarev, a Russian playboy who wants to fill the Ball with go-go dancers and caviar. However, both are outbid each year by Dr. Camille Johanson, a geneticist who, after testing a potentially cancer-curing serum upon herself, grew to the height of one hundred feet. Dr. Johanson lives on an unknown island in the South Pacific and her need for the Balls is “none of anyone’s goddamned business.”
• There are no lyrics beyond the first two lines of “Auld Lang Syne”.
• On New Year’s Eve, children from the towns along the U.S./Mexican border are randomly selected and gathered together along the Rio Grande. A sweet bread is baked with a charm hidden in the dough. When the bread is served, the child whose slice contains the charm becomes the Chupacabra. At midnight the lucky child will make the transformation into the mythic beast and maintain the position through the new year.
• No one has ever made the New Year’s resolution to eat less gerbil.
• For those familiar with the film Being John Malkovich, you will recall how, near the end of the film, Dr. Lester and friends enter the portal to Malkovich to prolong their own lives. This may seem like a wild creation by screenwriter Charlie Kaufman, but not to Dick Clark. Clark, host of American Bandstand and Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, has in fact discovered a portal to his Rockin’ Eve co-host, Ryan Seacrest. This New Year’s Clark hopes to make the jump into the mind of Seacrest and truly become “The World’s Oldest Teenager”.