What a Fool Believes

Statement 1: “Or, if Romney loses key states to the bargain-basement campaign of rival Rick Santorum, Tuesday might be the political equivalent of a groundhog seeing his shadow.” —The Washington Post

What It Means for You: Mitt Romney is a groundhog. If you love groundhogs—so much so that you keep yourself awake at night dreaming of one sitting in the Oval Office, deciding not if, but when to bomb Iran—you should vote for Mitt Romney for President.

Statement 2: “While there have been spikes in turnout in some states[…]” —CNN

What It Means for You: Yes, spikes vote, too. Be careful at the polls. No, not because they’re sharp. I mean, of course, they’re sharp, but what I’m saying is that they’ll talk your ear off. Georgia spikes? Grab a chair, voter, this is going to go on for awhile.

Statement 3: “In many places enthusiasm was in short supply among those casting ballots.” —USA Today

What It Means for You: It would be wise to stop somewhere on your way to the polling station for a bucket of enthusiasm. And don’t just rely on the gas station across the street from the polls. Who knows how long that bucket’s been spinning beneath that heat lamp. Piggly Wiggly’s got a sale on enthusiasm—2 buckets for $7.99. Shop the Pig.

Statement 4: “That’s because Santorum, who long ran a shoestring campaign lacking the organizational and financial resources of his rivals,” —CBS News

What It Means for You: Have you ever broken a shoestring? Not just on a tennis shoe, I’m talking a nice pair of shoes with strings that are specific to those shoes. Have you tried finding a new string for that shoe, hoping to match it with the other? What a pain, am I right? You can’t do it! You have to buy a whole new set and then re-string the other shoe. And then guess what? When you find a nice pair that almost match the originals, the strings are too long for the shoes and you have to triple-knot them or they’re left slapping the ground like jump ropes until you eventually trip on them.
This is what Rick Santorum’s campaign is like.

Statement 5: “At various precincts around the country, people had nice things to say about Gingrich’s intelligence and his taste for big ideas. But there was plenty of talk, too, about baggage, which includes his acknowledgments of past marital infidelity.” —The Associated Press

What It Means for You: A middle-aged man is going to make a joke in the polling line about Newt Gingrich needing to “keep it in his pants.” You’ll laugh. You have to, you’re in a line and you have to be there for a time. You’ve got to be polite. That’s what Ronald Reagan would do. But what “The Gipper” wouldn’t do is allow that man to make the very same joke to a group in the next line. However, you are not “The Gipper”. You’ll have to laugh again so that the other line doesn’t think you’re one of those uptight Santorum supporters—GEESH! Can you imagine? Just bear with the situation, voter. You can complain about it to your spouse on the car ride home.