What a Fool Believes

Here We Go, Gatsby

Fri, 17 May 2013 11:57:45 -0400

In my younger and more vulnerable years my friend gave me some advice at a party that I’ve...

Here's What You Would See If A Grizzly Bear Was Eating Your Face

Fri, 17 May 2013 11:34:26 -0400

Here's What You Would See If A Grizzly Bear Was Eating Your Face:...

Brian Eno: Red Bull Music Academy Lecture (New York, 2013)It...

Fri, 10 May 2013 17:05:07 -0400

Brian Eno: Red Bull Music Academy Lecture (New York, 2013)

It would be nice if there was an infinite, ever-changing loop of Brian Eno lectures—the lectures cut up into fragments by idea, the order of the fragments being the ever-changing component—playing somewhere that you could tune into at your desire. Maybe Eno himself, and his musical app creative partner, Peter Chilvers, could create something like that?

*Also: Asking the last question post-lecture, isn’t that Kieran “Four Tet” Hebden? It’s funny/odd that these two aren’t better acquainted.

nycgov: It’s official! New York City’s Bikeshare program,...

Thu, 09 May 2013 15:44:53 -0400

nycgov:

It’s official! New York City’s Bikeshare program, CitiBike, is launching with Annual Members preview week beginning May 27th. Annual members who sign up by May 17 will receive their key in time to enjoy exclusive use of the system starting Memorial Day before the system opens to daily and weekly members on June 2.

For more visit http://citibikenyc.com

I can’t wait to ghost-ride as many of these two-wheeled pieces-of-shit into the East and Hudson rivers until my Citi card’s maxed-the-fuck-out, which I will never pay back, allowing the debt to fall into the hands of some slimebag collections agency who I will ignore for the next 7 years.

ANARCHI IN THE CITI.

This is a sponsored post brought to you by Chase Bank.

WaFB's Pet Tips, Vol. 5

Thu, 02 May 2013 11:00:52 -0400

How to tell if your monkey’s a witch: It wears a witch hat. If you need to get rid...

Loverboy: “Working For The Weekend”You’re a...

Wed, 01 May 2013 10:22:00 -0400

Loverboy: “Working For The Weekend”

You’re a kid—probably middle school as that’s when you’d start having such thoughts—in the back of your parents’ sky-blue 1984 Honda Civic hatchback and it’s Friday and you and the family are heading somewhere, anywhere, it doesn’t matter, while Loverboy’s on the radio singing, “Everybody’s working for the weekend,” and you’re like this is a great song, but fucking kill me when I’m older if I’m working for the weekend ‘cause every day should be like the weekend and when I’m older and out of school that’s how I’m gonna live. And then years pass and decisions are made/unmade and you, in your thirties now, come home from work and immediately have to do the dishes so that you have a clean pot to make dinner with and your better half asks, “How was your day?” and you answer, “It was a day. It was not good or bad. It merely existed and now it’s gone never to return,” or, your better half asks, “Is it Friday yet?” and you reply, “I wish,” and, no matter the version, you remember what your middle-school-self said and it makes you feel terrible as you scrub out the colander, so you sing to yourself, “Turn me loose, turn me loose, I gotta do it my way, or no way at all,” and then think about quitting your job and just fucking doing what you want, man, living how you wanna live, but, really, you know you’re living how you have to live and it sucks sometimes but it must be done—plus, it could be much, much worse—and, besides, why do you care what your middle-school-self thinks anymore? Your middle-school-self owned and operated a Green Day Dookie t-shirt. Your middle-school-self should be thrilled that you’re living in the city writing stories. “Writing stories? With an MFA and a bunch of connections, right?” Your middle-school-self asks, still wearing that goddamn Dookie t-shirt, and you reply, “Well, no, our college-self was a mopey loner who stopped going to class sophomore year never to return, leading us through a series of jobs until we got it together like five years ago to start writing. So we have to work all week and write all night, kinda writing for the weekend, you know?” and your middle-school-self says, “Oh,” and looks kind of sad, the mope to come starting to show on its baby-face, until it looks up, expression changing, to add, “Loverboy had mullets. What do they know?” and you’re like, “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right,” and you smile at one another before you say, “Now go change your shirt.”

AMNH

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 13:42:06 -0400

AMNH

Blood on the door protects from the plagues, but what does...

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 13:51:44 -0400

Blood on the door protects from the plagues, but what does Nixon’s mug above the window do?

Holy cherry blossoms, Batman!

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 11:30:24 -0400

Holy cherry blossoms, Batman!

The Empress of the Salad Bar

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 15:16:00 -0400

Oscillating around the Whole Foods salad barI tossed some carrot shreds on my heap of kaleMariel...

A Hunch

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 14:05:32 -0400

A Hunch

Great Moments in Wikipedia Photos: Sun tanning[Previous]

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 13:57:26 -0400

Great Moments in Wikipedia Photos: Sun tanning

[Previous]

#NYC Love popcorn?

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 14:48:10 -0400

An exchange near Columbus Circle.—Hello, sir. —Afternoon. What’s the food truck...

“Heartbeat”So I come home from work last night. My...

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 11:18:31 -0400

“Heartbeat”

So I come home from work last night. My better half, Jillian, has arrived home before me, as usual, and found a package in the mail, which she’s placed on a table in our kitchen. I am not expecting any packages. Certainly not one from Vinyl Record Dude LLC in Scottsdale, AZ. Obviously, I am intrigued. I open it up. Whatever it is, it’s in a manila envelope, secured between two slips of cardboard and about five feet of plastic wrap. Seriously, a ton of plastic wrap. But, a quarter of the packing slip is visible through the wrap. It says “Don Johnson Heartbeat / same 7” 45 RPM Epic.” Now I am doubly intrigued—hell, quadruply intrigued. I did not buy this. Therefore, someone has seemingly bought me ”Don Johnson Heartbeat / same 7” 45 RPM Epic.” I finally get all this goddamn plastic wrap unwound and remove the cardboard slips. It is in fact ”Don Johnson Heartbeat / same 7” 45 RPM Epic” and it is in lovely condition. Really, you know Vinyl Record Dude LLC in Scottsdale, AZ cares when he’s separated the inner and outer sleeves in the shipment for maximum protection. I look at the rest of the packing slip. No messages, but a buyer name: that of my cousin, Andy. I have a laugh. My prize for winning the family March Madness pool has arrived. It’s supposed to be five bucks but this is so, so much better. When he asked for my address last week, so he could mail me my winnings, he’d said, before an ominous ellipsis, “good luck.” Good luck, indeed.

The great No Fear once said, in its favorite medium: t-shirt, “Second place is the first loser.” Andy came in second place in the pool, but, clearly, he is the winner.

Shiver

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 13:23:57 -0400

I shiver at the sight of dead animals. For instance, a couple of days ago, I was exiting the subway...

Michigan Woman Awakens From 5-Year Coma, Wants to See a Bob Seger Concert

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 15:03:43 -0400

Michigan Woman Awakens From 5-Year Coma, Wants to See a Bob Seger Concert: wfmu: I once woke up...

What Happens When I Win My Family's March Madness Pool

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 13:37:21 -0400

My Posts to the Group Message Board:After New Mexico, who many family members picked to make a good...

Roger Ebert & the Movies

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 10:05:08 -0400

Roger Ebert was in my life since I was a kid. There was many an evening when Siskel & Ebert, the...

The Doobie Brothers: “What a Fool...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 16:57:00 -0400

The Doobie Brothers: “What a Fool Believes”

“What a Fool Believes” Explained:

He came from somewhere back in her long ago

The “He” in the song refers to its co-writer Kenny Loggins. The “her” was a woman Loggins went to high school with named Debi Lafontaine. He’d been sweatin’ her since freshman year. Debi had just moved to Los Angeles, in 1978, where and when the song was written.

The sentimental fool don’t see

Loggins and the song’s other scribe, Michael McDonald, worked on this song Lennon/McCartney-style trading lines. (Their initials matched plus they were both really into symbols—70’s L.A.—so it was fate. This line was McDonald’s, one where he was gently mocking his friend for sweatin’ this girl so hard.

Tryin’ hard to recreate / What had yet to be created once in her life

When Doobie Brothers guitarist Jeff “Skunk” Baxter heard this line he uttered, “Ooh.” Loggins thanked Skunk and Skunk looked around at the rhythm section with his classic this-guy-doesn’t-get-my-world-class-sarcasm look, which consisted of nothing but a raising of his right eyebrow.

She musters a smile for his nostalgic tale

Debi Lafontaine wasn’t much for nostalgia but Loggins was cute.

Never coming near what he wanted to say

Michael McDonald had a secret fear of words. He thought that uttering certain words would magically bring them to life (70’s L.A.), though, not as the object themselves, but as anthropomorphic letters. Because of this fear, McDonald wouldn’t say the word “muffin” for nearly 15 years.

Only to realize / It never really was

No one was really sure if Debi Lafontaine was real. Loggins constantly made up stories. Skunk joked to the rhythm section that he had “Logginsorrhea.” This line was a potential hint to the truth of Lafontaine.

She had a place in his life

It was in a hammock where Loggins would feed her red grapes and Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers.

He never made her think twice

Debi Lafontaine was a “first thought, best thought” kind of woman. She went with her gut, you know? Loggins found that incredibly sexy.

As he rises to her apology / Anybody else would surely know / He’s watching her go

Love can cloud the mind, Michael McDonald thought. But he didn’t dare speak it. “Cloud” was a particularly nasty word overflowing with dark magic.

But what a fool believes he sees

“Cognition 101,” Skunk said to the rhythm section.

No wise man has the power to reason away

Before becoming a singer/songwriter, Kenny Loggins was in school to become a wise man. At that time (late 60’s), you could become a wise man with a two-year degree from a technical college. Loggins dropped out believing that no man who was truly wise would ever spend his life reasoning away. Plus, there was a woman he was sweatin’ and a wise man is sworn to celibacy.

What seems to be / Is always better than nothing

Even Skunk had to give it up for this line.

And nothing at all keeps sending him

Loggins and McDonald, during the songwriting process, would often play croquet. McDonald was notorious for “sending”—striking the balls of opponents into the rough away from the hoops. McDonald would send somebody with little to no provocation, just for the sadistic glee he took in it.

Somewhere back in her long ago / Where he can still believe there’s a place in her life / Someday, somewhere, she will return

Debi Lafontaine turned out to be real. Loggins brought her in to the studio to meet the Doobies. While Loggins and McDonald were writing, Skunk snuck off with Debi. Debi had thought Loggins cute but in a boyish, little brother sort of way. Jeff “Skunk” Baxter, with his rich handlebar mustache and strong hands, was a man. When Loggins found out he was devastated. Then he went and wrote the Caddyshack theme song and we all know how he was feeling on that one.

[Repeat pre-chorus. Ride chorus out.]

thesirensofmelroseplace: “It was the best of times, it was the...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 13:08:57 -0400

thesirensofmelroseplace:

“It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times[.]”
—Chuckie Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities