- Exclaim “BOOMSHAKALAKA!” during the Holy Dunking.
- Ask the priest if a child has ever peed and/or pooed during the Holy Dunking as a segue to my real question: If a child pees and/or poos in holy water, does that pee and/or poo become holy?
- Refer to the immersion as the “Holy Dunking.”
- Orchestrate the execution of all my rivals during the ceremony, offering a chilling juxtaposition of life and death.
- Make more than 100 references to The Godfather and The Godfather Part II.
- Make more than 1 reference to The Godfather Part III.
- Mention to the priest that I have not been baptized and, therefore, am a heathenfather.
- Whistle the tunes “Hip Priest” and “Sick Priest Learns to Last Forever” within the priest’s earshot.
- Ask the priest if reggae fusion artist Maxi Priest is an actual priest as a segue to my real question: Where in the church’s hierarchy does “Maxi” fall?
- Do the “Dance of the Seven Veils.”
- Bring up Salome.
- Bring up “Salome” of True Blood, who is supposed to be the actual Salome, and how terrible the actress/character is.
- Conduct a cost-benefit analysis of immersion vs. non-immersion baptismal fonts.
- Discuss the potential of a hot tub baptismal font.
- Wonder aloud, over the concerned reactions to my hot tub baptismal font idea, if a baby would roast in a hot tub.
- Rejoice, over the horrified reactions to my baby-roasting-in-a-hot-tub thought, at my new and improved idea: Slip’N Slide Baptismal Fonts!
- Bring a large fan, fog machine, and stage lighting system to the church.
- Use said large fan, fog machine, and stage lighting system to emphasize my Slash-in-“November Rain”-like guitar solos during the ceremony.
- Dress up as Slash.
- Exclaim post-ceremony, à la Rodney Dangerfield’s character in Caddyshack, “Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!”
- Dress up as Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack.
