What a Fool Believes

Things You Should Know About the Automotive Industry

• The German automobile inventor Gottlieb Daimler went into mechanical engineering in 1852 at the age of 18.  Though many believe it was always his dream to create small, high speed engines to be mounted in any kind of locomotion device, his decision to enter this field was because of horses.  Gottlieb Daimler hated horses.  He hated their long flowing manes (Daimler went bald prematurely), their big teeth (their block shape symbolized stupidity to him), and their smell (he compared the scent to a stew of rancid meat, swamp muck and sweat).  Daimler loved to travel but was held back due to his utter disgust for the animal.  Trapped inside his home, he began studying engines.
• Kitty O’Neil, former stuntwoman and racer, powered a rocket dragster in which she recorded the quickest quarter mile in the world - 3.22 seconds at 396 mph.  Now no matter what your uncle says, he did not attend the run nor did he ‘jump her bones’ at the Mojave Desert Resort later that night.  He’ll provide you with a lot of specific information: how the run was nearly cancelled due to a sandstorm; how his jacket smelled like rocket fuel for days; how Kitty rode him like she was filled with the same hydrogen peroxide as the engine; how he won a small settlement against the producers of the TV movie Silent Victory: The Kitty O’Neil Story - Kitty played by Stockard Channing - for their unauthorized use of his likeness in the character of ‘Warren Porter’; etc.  It is not true.  Your uncle, if you haven’t figured out already, is a pathological liar.  He doesn’t mean any harm, he’s just a lonely man.  So when he tells you about Kitty, indulge him, but remember that he got all of this information from a drag racing museum he went to once in the 1980’s.
• In the United Kingdom the term lorry is used instead of truck.  Lorry most likely comes from the verb lurry which means ‘to pull, tug’.  Just another example of the depraved Brits sneaking a subtle masturbation joke into their lexicon.
• The fire-spewing monster truck Carzilla procreates.  The metal beast lays amniotic eggs with Aluminum shells every spring in a nest made of strips of leather from the back seats of junk cars.  The eggs incubate using the heat from Carzilla’s engine.  After 75 days, the eggs hatch and Car Show Models are born.  The Car Show Model chicks are fed by Carzilla via regurgitation - the regurgitate is a liquid mixture of gasoline, oil, hot dogs and corn.  After 30 days, the Car Show Models, now able to stand on their own, leave the nest to display new automobiles.