April 2012
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Fifty Shades of Whey
E: Do we have one of those cute little ice cream scoops? L: Cute little ice cream scoops? E: Yeah. Like a regular ice cream scoop but small and, thus, cute. L: For? E: Melon balls to put on a string and into your butt. L: Don’t foods in domains like that breed infection? E: Rich people pour champagne on their butts all the time and— L: Pet owners love peanut butter. E: I’ve told...
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A Fool for History: April 18
1025: Bolesław I Chrobry becomes the first King of Poland. Though he was known as a “remarkable politician, strategist and statesman”, who led several successful military campaigns and brought together the Polish lands, he will always be overshadowed by his younger brother, Colesław, whose salad of cabbage, carrots, buttermilk, and mayonnaise gained him immortality.
1666: Jean-Féry...
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An Open Letter to Axl Rose
Dear Axl, Hey man! How’s it going? I don’t know if you remember me or not—I’m the dolphin from the “Estranged” video. Remember that one? You were getting chased by the SWAT team in some big mansion and then there were some flashbacks and stuff and then you were on an oil tanker and you—Oh man, you were crazy!—you jumped off the oil tanker! Then Gilby...
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WatchPulp: “Common People [Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 4/9/12]” Has anyone checked Jarvis Cocker’s attic for a withered portrait? There may be some Picture of Dorian Gray business happening here. The man is coming up on fifty and he’s dancing around the stage and leaping atop monitors with the grace of a man half his age. He’ll never age like common people / He’ll...
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The Creme of the Christ
Jesus labored his way through the heat, clamor, stones, and spit to Calvary with the cross. “Buried in a Cadbury Creme Egg,” he muttered to Simon of Cyrene, who was helping him some with the heavy lifting but not nearly enough. “Huh?” “I wanna be buried in a Cadbury Creme Egg.” “I, uh… I don’t know… I don’t think they’re going...
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