August 2011
12 posts
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You Can't Look Cool with a Toilet Auger
You would think, what with the water pressure and delicate shell, that an egg would easily be flushed down a toilet, breaking apart in the porcelain depths, the yolk spinning around a maze of pipes like the tubes of a water slide until it shot out into the ocean to be gobbled up by a stingray for breakfast. That doesn’t happen. At least when I tried it with my toilet. A year or two ago, I...
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Countdown
10 You can’t do a countdown anywhere. I was in the supermarket and I tried a countdown that would finish when I reached the checkout. The people pushing their carts around me looked at me funny and then slowly backed off. It snowballed from there. Before I even got to the frozen foods, a few cops came with the store manager to escort me out. The other customers thought I might have a...
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MTV30 →
I realize that bitching about today’s malignant-reality-show-saturated MTV is like dropkicking that dead horse into a barbed-wire-filled Grand Canyon to a soundtrack by Goblin, but, after a Saturday night of picklebacks* and summer ale, I spent most of my Sunday watching MTV30, a twelve-hour clipfest of MTV moments from its 30-year existence, on VH1 Classic**, and, just, fuck. I’ve...
