May 2008
36 posts
“Everyone sees a mystery in this guy. Joan Baez slept with him, and got to hear...”
– The Onion’s Chris Dahlen finally gets hooked by Dylan. It’s an ideal piece for the column with great insight. The most pleasing aspect is that he called Dylan out on the bullshit. Too many talk or write about him as if he were untouchable. I love the guy, but he ain’t perfect....
Sex Is Lost
Since the hot topics of the day are the opening of the Sex and the City movie and the season finale of Lost, I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if the two were combined… Oceanic Flight 815 Somewhere over the South Pacific Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda sit in the first class cabin of the airplane. Carrie is typing on her laptop and looking out the window from...
Ghost Hunters
My youngest uncle, my mother’s brother, is about ten years older than I am. From around five to seven years old he would often babysit me. We’d play games and hang out (sometimes with one of his many girlfriends). The time I remember most vividly was when we watched one of the Superman films, with Christopher Reeves, while he told me how to blow bubbles with chewing gum. The kinds...
“This amazing treatment will make your girlfriend crazy about your new huge rod!...”
– This is from a Spam email I received at work. What really interested me was the juxtaposition of the first half, obviously about penis enlargement, with the second half which seems to be some type of warning or instruction about the crash of a train carrying, what sounds like, alien body snatchers....
Awesome! It's the Apocalypse. - Denise Richards:...
Welcome to another installment of Awesome! It’s the Apocalypse. Today we discuss reason number 34 why the most righteous end of days is upon us: Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. Denise Richards is an actress. You remember her as White She Devil from Undercover Brother, Rebecca from Yo puta, and, of course, as Belinda in Elvis Has Left the Building. She was married to Charlie...
How Was Your Memorial Day?
That is the question for today, the Tuesday after Memorial Day. I’ve been asked this question several times by coworkers and asked it right back. The responses horrified me. “Oh! I went shopping.” “I was visiting my family.” “I attended a wedding.” Are you fucking serious?! What about the mandatory animal sacrifices for the veterans?! In this...
Galaxie 500: “Oblivious” “I...
Played Out - Pt. 5 (Top 10)
Tell ‘em what time it is, Kenny. (They don’t make album covers like they used to.) Here are the Top 10, most played songs on my iPod, with the number of plays in parenthesis. 10. Talk Talk: “Without You” (18) - I didn’t really care for this song at first because I thought they had ruined it. The song starts out with a synth line that sounds like an operatic line...
Hot Chip: “My Piano” Add some...
Thursday Fun Fact!
Welcome to Thursday Fun Fact! Today’s Fun Fact: Animals can sense a storm. I’m sure many of you have heard before that animals can sense an approaching storm. This is only partially true. The truth is: Animals create thunderstorms. “That’s incredible! How do they do it? With their minds?” Hahaha! No. That would be silly. Science has proven that most animals do...
Played Out - Pt. 4 (16 & 17 Plays)
At first I was just going to do 16 plays for the fourth installment. I was going to use an intro involving Sixteen Candles, with Samantha, Jake Ryan, Farmer Ted/The Geek and Long Duk Dong weighing in. Then I realized that I would have six installments rather than five. I’d have to finish with the Top 10 list next Tuesday. That just doesn’t make sense to me. Oh! and I’ve...
Played Out - Pt. 3 (15 Plays)
Today is Wednesday. A day many refer to, sensually, as “Hump Day”. What is it about the middle of the week that makes people want to knock da boots? Before you respond, “Who cares. I just want to bump ‘n’ grind.” let me tell you the true origins of “Hump Day”. In 450 AD, Egyptian spice merchants from the cities of Tanta and Mansura, outside of...
Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel: “Make Me...
Ted Kennedy Diagnosed with Brain Cancer →
The Fool sits at his desk reading about the senator online. The Fool: So that’s why his head’s so big. The ghosts of JFK and RFK appear behind The Fool. He does not notice. JFK: Thaat’s my brothaa you’re making fun of! The Fool spins around in his chair, immediately turns pale. RFK: Aand Mine! More ghosts of Camelot appear, enclosing The Fool. The Fool tries to get up,...
Played Out - Pt. 2 (13 & 14 Plays)
Time for the second part of “Played Out”, where I daftly expound upon the most played songs on my iPod. Today: 13 and 14 plays. 13 Plays Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel: “Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me)” - I first heard this song while watching Todd Haynes’ glamalicious personality crisis, Velvet Goldmine. Despite the hostile lyrics about band members whom...
“New Gods” by Meat Puppets It was a...
Played Out - Pt. 1 (11 & 12 Plays)
Approximately a month and a half from now marks the one year anniversary of my iPod and I. I could say that our relationship has been a “whirlwind romance”. That we’ve spanned the globe making sweet, sweet music together. That our bodies, when separate, are breathtaking melodies, and together, an earthshaking harmony. I could say that, at times, it’s been a little...
T.G.I.F. - Step by Step
Season 1, Episode 13: Getting Organized Evening, Lambert House Scene 1 Living Room J.T., alone, is sitting on the couch watching “Unsolved Mysteries” on TV. Cody enters through front door with a stack of books. Audience applauds. Cody makes his way slowly towards the couch, the stack of books wavering. J.T.: Codeman! “Unsolved Mysteries” is on! Get over here! Cody:...
“The Wipers have a legacy of riffs that pull at your heartstrings so strongly you...”
– John Famiglietti of HEALTH on Wipers’ “Youth of America” in Pitchfork’s Guest List. Couldn’t agree more with that first line. I first came across the Wipers when I purchased SM’s Jenny & the Ess-Dog single back in 2001. The three b-sides of the single were...
“I keep forgettin’ things will never be the same again.”
– Michael McDonald
“The man with a good memory does not remember anything because he does not forget...”
– From Proust by Samuel Beckett
Ten Kickball Team Names
Last week, I joined a kickball team with my cousin and a bunch of people from work. I’m excited about it. I haven’t been a part of any organized sports since high school, when I played soccer and baseball, so I thought, “What the hell?” Especially since the sport offers me the opportunity to hurl a large object at people. This morning, the organizer of our team sent...
Radiohead - “Bangers & Mash” Last...
T.G.I.F. - Full House
Season 4, Episode 2: Crimes and Michelle’s Demeanor Scene 1 Steph and Michelle’s Bedroom Steph and Michelle sit on the edge of their beds, which are perpendicular to each other, staring blankly ahead. The bedroom is immaculate. Beds made with stuffed animals arranged before the pillows and all items on desks and dressers placed neatly in their spots. The sisters continue to stare...
Anything but "Flo Writa" or "Thomfoolery"
From Friday, May 2nd, to Wednesday, May 7th, I was in Florida. Here’s a day-by-day breakdown of the events that occurred: Friday Nearly hit a deer in Oviedo. Was driving a Jeep Commander. Big fucker. But not big enough. My girlfriend jumped out to chase it down through the woods. Twenty minutes later she returned with “No luck.” After we were asleep at her friend’s...
Radiohead, Liars!
Tonight, I am leaving to bask in the warm Floridian sun for five days. On Tuesday, in Tampa, I will also be basking in the warm soundwaves of Radiohead and Liars, when they play at the Ford Amphitheatre. To get as pumped as this baby (If that’s even possible. Look at the kid. High on breast milk and a two-pack of Gerber Organic Apple Strawberry. Probably just found out that the next...
