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The documentation of TOTAL CARNAGE by Josh Luft

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Long Island City

Long Island City

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Another Apology

We would like to apologize for our last two pieces: The Chanty Wrassler Roger Moore Goes to the Bank and Reasons Why Roger Moore Is a Jessy Bas.  As stated in our previous apology, the next few pieces were to be written Roger Moore.  This did not occur.  Sean Connery, disguised as Roger Moore, snuck into our office and wrote the last two pieces.  We are very disappointed with Mr. Connery’s deceitful and immature behavior.  We extend our apologies to Mr. Roger Moore and understand why he has removed himself from our publication. 
We have decided to no longer work with any authors who have played the character of James Bond.  We admit to the idea being far too idiosyncratic and rather passé.  Our apologies to Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig.  We will no longer be publishing your collaborative essay The 15 Sexiest Tailoresses in Portugal.

Thank you.

The Editors

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Reasons Why Roger Moore Is a Jessy Bas

  1. The bawbag’s from Stockwell which has nothing to offer but a boggin bus garage!
  2. The daftie made a video with PETA that protested foie gras - which is ferr barry!
  3. He farts aboot with Danish Royals!  Danish!
  4. His Bond was a wee feartie-cat and windae-licker!
  5. Just swatch tha slumph!
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Roger Moore enters.Roger Moore: Good evening.The Bank Teller looks up from desk.Bank Teller: …Roger Moore: I’m Roger Moore.Bank Teller: …Roger Moore: Charmed, I’m sure.Bank Teller: Sir you cannot be in here without a shir—-Roger Moore: Just being disarming, darling.Bank Teller: …Roger Moore: I would like to make a deposit.  (Grins.)  I imagine you can help me out with that.Bank Teller: Sir, please.  You will have to—-Roger Moore: Provide my account number?  007.Moore raises an eyebrow.Bank Teller: Mr. Moore I’m going to have to ask you—-Roger Moore: For my telephone number, darling?Bank Teller: (Looks right.) Guard?A Security Guard approaches Moore.Roger Moore: Looking for a box, are we?  This one won’t be a safe deposit.Moore slowly throws a punch at the Guard.  The Guard steps to the right and avoids.Roger Moore: Check this, darling - I’m about to provide a routing number.Moore slowly makes several karate chops at the Guard.  The Guard avoids them all.Roger Moore: (Panting, to the Guard.) I’ll just be going then. (To the Teller.) You’ve got my information on file, love.  I register that we’ll be making a transaction tonight…around 8?Bank Teller: …Roger Moore exits.

Roger Moore enters.
Roger Moore: Good evening.
The Bank Teller looks up from desk.
Bank Teller: …
Roger Moore: I’m Roger Moore.
Bank Teller: …
Roger Moore: Charmed, I’m sure.
Bank Teller: Sir you cannot be in here without a shir—-
Roger Moore: Just being disarming, darling.
Bank Teller: …
Roger Moore: I would like to make a deposit.  (Grins.)  I imagine you can help me out with that.
Bank Teller: Sir, please.  You will have to—-
Roger Moore: Provide my account number?  007.
Moore raises an eyebrow.
Bank Teller: Mr. Moore I’m going to have to ask you—-
Roger Moore: For my telephone number, darling?
Bank Teller: (Looks right.) Guard?
A Security Guard approaches Moore.
Roger Moore: Looking for a box, are we?  This one won’t be a safe deposit.
Moore slowly throws a punch at the Guard.  The Guard steps to the right and avoids.
Roger Moore: Check this, darling - I’m about to provide a routing number.
Moore slowly makes several karate chops at the Guard.  The Guard avoids them all.
Roger Moore: (Panting, to the Guard.) I’ll just be going then. (To the Teller.) You’ve got my information on file, love.  I register that we’ll be making a transaction tonight…around 8?
Bank Teller: …
Roger Moore exits.

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Apology

We would like to apologize for our last piece George Lazenby: On Her Majesty’s Singular and Transitional Service.  The piece was far too obscure and self-indulgent even for this establishment.  The author of the piece, George Lazenby, has since been let go from his position.  The next few pieces, to be written by Roger Moore, though not as action-packed, will be much more suave and sexy.

Thank you.

The Editors

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