What a Fool Believes

Jul
1st

Wed

Listomania

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to another episode of Listomania! Today on Listomania we’ve got another fine assortment of random lists for you to enjoy! Without further ado, the lists!

List 1

Geddy Lee is the lead vocalist, bassist and keyboardist of the rock band Rush. Lee has kept it secret for years what Geddy is short for. Here’s a list, compiled painstakingly by some of Rush’s greatest fans, of what Lee’s full first name might be:

A) Geddrick - Named after the Earl of Geddrick, one of the founders of the village of Willowdale, now part of Toronto, which is Lee’s hometown.

B) Geddius - Named after Geddius Maximus, one of the Roman Empire’s most beloved gladiators, who served as the inspiration for the Ridley Scott film.

C) Geddimillion - Named after Geddimillion Pahktsfil, Canadian oil tycoon, playboy, and philanthropist of the early 20th century.

D) Geddelium - Named after Geddelium, a chemical element, chemical symbol Gd, discovered in Ontario in early 1953 - the year of Lee’s birth. It has since been removed from the Periodic Table of Elements due to strange fluctuations in its chemical behavior

List 2

John Wilkes Booth was an American stage actor who assassinated President Abraham Lincoln at Ford’s Theatre in Washington, D.C., on April 14, 1865. Many historians believe Booth to have committed this heinous deed because of the South’s defeat in the Civil War and the abolition of slavery. However, recent findings have found three more reasons to explain Booth’s hatred for Lincoln, which are listed below:

1. The Penny - Reports claim that Booth was often in a rage over the one cent piece, which features the head of President Lincoln. Booth thought the coin worthless and its “smug copper jangle” a great distraction when in his trouser pockets.

2. Height - President Lincoln was 6’4” in height. It was little known, due to actors looking larger on stage, but Booth was actually 4’2”. Was he a little jealous?

3. The Method - Booth was one of the first actors to use Method acting. It’s been recently discovered that Booth was researching the role of Michael Corleone in a stage version of The Godfather and his assassination of Lincoln was Booth getting carried away with the restaurant scene between McCluskey, Sollozzo and Michael.

List 3

Today the new Michael Mann-directed crime drama Public Enemies, starring Johnny Depp as 1930’s gangster John Dillinger, opens in theaters across the country. The film is an adaptation of Bryan Burrough’s non-fiction book Public Enemies: America’s Greatest Crime Wave and the Birth of the FBI, 1933–34. Like many film adaptations of books, certain bits of information had to be left out due to time and plot constraints. Here’s a list of facts that didn’t make it into the film:

A. True Origins of Dillinger’s Nickname - John Dillinger’s nickname was “Jackrabbit”. Many stick with the reason for this being his sprightly movements during bank heists. However, the real reason Dillinger was called “Jackrabbit” was due to the pet jackrabbit who he plotted all of his robberies with. Dillinger’s choice to keep his pet and accomplice a secret ultimately lead to the jackrabbit betraying Dillinger - the jackrabbit wanted to share the glory that was rightfully his - by informing police of his whereabouts at the Biograph Theater.

B. The Baby Face and Pretty Boy Shuffle - Baby Face Nelson and Pretty Boy Floyd, fellow gangsters, wrote and performed a song called “The Baby Face and Pretty Boy Shuffle”. The song spent six weeks at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 Singles chart in 1932. Mann has stated that a musical number would be too jarring in his film.

C. Melvin Purvis’ Great American Knockwurst Hunt - FBI agent Melvin Purvis, while tracking down Dillinger, stopped at diners across the country looking for the best knockwurst in America. Remarkably, he found it in Chicago at a diner next to the Biograph Theater.

D. Gangsters vs. Pranksters - In addition to the FBI, Dillinger and his crew was also tormented by a group of pranksters. These pranksters mimicked the crew by following them to heists, wearing neon suits and depositing flowers into the bank accounts. This battle was memorialized in the Pavement song “Gangsters and Pranksters”.

List 4

The Fourth of July is this Saturday. Here’s a list of things I’ll be doing to celebrate:

1) Patriotic Spirit vs. Morals - I’ll be going out on the streets of New York to test which is stronger in the average American, their patriotic spirit or their morals, by donning a suit made entirely out of firecrackers and waving a pack of matches in their face.

2) Americanetics - I’m setting up a station in Times Square for any and all to take a Terrorist Test. The findings of these tests will let me know if you need my new book Americanetics. Americanetics is about how every American has little terrorists inside of them from the evil Terrorland. With my book Americans can learn to expel these little terrorists and evolve into true Americans with a Patriotic Mind.

3) Bounty Hunting - I get paid double-time to bounty hunt on holidays so forget the fireworks. I’m gonna bust me some dirt bags and get real paid.

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Neil Young and Devo: “Hey Hey, My My (Human Highway Version)”

Human Highway

In 1982, at the apex of his most experimental era - check out the synths, vocoder and electronic drums on the album of that same year, “Trans” - Neil Young released, under the pseudonym of Bernard Shakey, a film called Human Highway. Young co-directed and co-wrote this comedy, which stars, along with himself, Dennis Hopper, Dean Stockwell, Russ Tamblyn and Devo, and is about the employees and customers of a gas station/diner, located next to a nuclear power plant, facing a world-ending war. One of the main characters, a mechanic named Lionel Switch, played by Young, dreams of becoming a rock star.

I sadly have never seen this film - the film is only available on VHS - but after reading about it I definitely want to. Not just to see Neil Young’s acting or the wacky, surreal plot, but to see the 10 minute jam of “Hey Hey, My My (Into the Black)” by Neil Young and Devo in its full glory. But thanks to YouTube, I can see it in its computerized glory until a DVD release.

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Jun
30th

Tue

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Dinosaur Jr.: “Pieces”

The man stood out in the middle of the road looking at what was left of his home. The lights from the police cars and fire truck illuminated the remains every half second in red and blue. He had his arm around his wife, who was sobbing into his shoulder, but couldn’t feel it. Couldn’t feel anything. All of his memories, his belongings, his life was no more than a pile of smoldering ash.

The homeowner turned away from the rubble and wiped tears and soot from his cheek. What he saw next was nearly as shocking as watching his home burn to the ground.

A man, husky, in an oversized t-shirt, jeans and high-tops, with long silver hair and glasses is plugging in an amplifier into an extension cord, which runs out of a neighbor’s house and down their walkway. The homeowner rubs his fingers in his eyes again thinking that maybe there’s just debris in his eye. Not any crazier than his home burning down, right? When he opens his eyes, the man is still there. The amplifier is now on and he’s tuning a shimmering purple guitar.

The homeowner looks around him. Firemen and policemen are conversing, taking notes and putting away their gear. Neighbors have now come to comfort the homeowner’s wife, whom he apparently wandered away from to get a closer look at the man. None of these people seem to notice the guitar player. Only the homeowner. He suddenly grows angry. What the hell was this guy doing? His life just burned to the ground and this guy wants to play guitar? The homeowner starts charging towards the man when—-

A powerful sound blasts out of the amplifier. The homeowner is knocked to the ground. He watches as the guitar player, his silver hair spinning, shreds. The riffs are searing. Nearly as hot as the flames of the burning home. The homeowner is no longer angry but awestruck. The guitar player, when not spinning his hair, is stoic, even unaffected, but what he plays is as glorious and mighty as a thunderstorm.

Over the screaming melodies, the homeowner somehow hears voices behind him shouting excitedly. He turns his head to see them but is stopped halfway there. His home, just moments ago a mound of cinder, is reforming. No, this can’t be, the homeowner thought. But it could. Faster than his mind could comprehend, ash was forming into wood, into brick, into glass, and returning to its original place. All of it glowing in a green light. The homeowner turned back to the guitar player. Though you couldn’t tell from his face, he was playing with an even greater fury.

The homeowner’s wife was now at his side. She was still crying but now with joy and wonder. The two of them watched in silence for the next few minutes as their home was rebuilt exactly as it was before the fire.

When their home was complete, the homeowner and his wife stood up and embraced one another. The guitar player, the homeowner remembered and turned around. But he was gone. The homeowner walked to the place where he had stood, where he had performed this miracle, but nothing remained but a scorched patch of purple and green on the road.

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Jun
29th

Mon

This is the kind of uplifting news the world needs right now.

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SWV: “Right Here/Human Nature”

S - Double U - V

After it sunk in that Michael Jackson, “The King of Pop”, a seemingly indestructible musical superbeing, had really died at the age of 50, I wanted to pay tribute to him in some way.

I’ve never been a huge Michael Jackson fan. I never went to one of his concerts and screamed hysterically at the sight of him until I fainted and was carried out by paramedics. However, I do love some of his songs and appreciate the impact* that he’s had not only on pop music but on humanity as well.

My original idea was to write this abstract vignette about a pop superstar’s arrival to the afterlife told from the perspective of someone already there. Someone wiser than myself dissuaded me from this idea and I’m glad that she did. She helped me realize that any kind of eulogy for Michael Jackson needed to be music-based. Once I understood that, I immediately thought of “Right Here/Human Nature” by SWV.

“Right Here/Human Nature” spent ten weeks at number one on the Billboard Hot R&B Singles chart in 1993 - at the same time Jackson was on the Dangerous Tour. Seeing that this song was released then, it’s a little morbid to think that a eulogy had been written for someone 16 years before their actual death. I’m sure no one thought of it in that capacity at the time. I know I didn’t. I thought of it, and loved it, as a great R&B song.

However, listening to this song now, with the samples of Jackson’s “Human Nature”, off of “Thriller”, specifically his angelic ohh’s, and the Sisters With Voices’ comforting chorus of “Love will be right here / Be right here / Right here / Be right here / No fear / Have no fear / No tears / Love is real”, it’s very fitting to me. With the countless hits that Jackson created during his life and his many humanitarian efforts, both of which have impacted millions, maybe billions, of people, Jackson, so ingrained in music and culture, has reached immortality though the arts. It’s a really beautiful sentiment for his fans, and I’m sure himself, to know that Michael Jackson will always be right here.

*I remember watching Fox when they aired “Black or White”, the first single from 1991’s “Dangerous”, on November 14th. My 10 year old self found the morphing faces kind of cool but the song kind of lame - I was one of those being swept up by that Nirvana. Then there was the ending. That I thought was awesome but also unsettling. So did many others and the full version of the video was pulled and is still rarely played. When I think about the end of the video now, I still think it’s awesome and unsettling but I have a better understanding. Here’s Michael Jackson singing sweetly about races coming together and dancing across the globe with different cultures. He’s using his stardom and artistry to make a difference with humanity. But with that ending, him smashing the car and store front and morphing into a puma, I think he’s revealing the darkness of human nature - in himself even. Humans want to destroy. Or, Jackson could be expounding upon the anger he shows during the song’s bridge - where he’s walking through the flames and images of hate. Whichever the case, it’s smart, it’s honest, it’s human. Things that I’m glad people have been praising Jackson for in the past few days.

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Jun
27th

Sat

unsustainable:

osmium:soupsoup:homeofthevain:

Mammatus clouds over Manhattan, Friday evening.

I was still at work while this was happening. It was stunning but also incredibly creepy. I went out for a moment to see it - because leaning over a shelf and craning my neck to stare out of an office window wasn’t cutting it.

When I got out in front of my office, this debutante, her hair shooting everywhere like she’d been electrocuted, her eyes heavily made up in purples and golds - not too dissimilar to the sky, actually - a handbag, partially open, hangy around her wrist, no shoes, and a deranged gleam in her eyes, grabbed me by my shirt collar, sniffed my neck and chest, and then asked, “Are you the Keymaster?”

My first thought was, “Oh, hell no. Not again.” My second, “Oh, come on! What do you want to do? Go back into work or get into a potentially paranormal adventure?”

I dropped the pitch of my voice and added some gravel, “Are you the Gatekeeper?”

But even as I was speaking, the sky was darkening into the incandescent indigo of New York at Night. The deranged gleam quickly left her eyes.

“Do you know where the Ed Hardy is?”

There would be no adventure tonight. “It’s just down the block.”

“Thanks!”

I turned back towards my office.

Suddenly, the earth rumbled. I was thrown to the sidewalk. The earth shook again. Adrenaline surged through my body. Another quake. I got my bearings.

And there it was: a giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

The End?

(No, it wasn’t the end. I happen to keep a giant graham cracker, a giant piece of chocolate, and a Special Forces Flame Thrower at the office. With the assistance of bystanders, I toasted the Marshmallow Man and fed the entire neighborhood s’mores. The End. Just kidding. I had to return to my office and explain to my bosses and coworkers where I’d gone for the past five minutes. They didn’t buy my story and sent me to HR. The End? Almost. HR is totally cool. Plus they sit by the window so they saw the whole thing. I gave them s’mores, they let me go home early and here I am, in my apartment, writing you this tale. To be continued…)

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Jun
25th

Thu

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Phoenix: “Fences”

Is there still a debate over the Summer ‘09 Jam? Because I don’t know that there should be. Phoenix’s “Fences”, with its slinky grooves, refreshingly cool synths and simple, indelible chorus, is all you could ask for Summer Jam-wise. You could say the whole album really. Whenever I’ve played “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix” I get an overwhelmingly positive response. One I haven’t gotten for an album since Cut Copy’s “In Ghost Colours” - featuring “Far Away”, which I believed to be the Summer ‘08 Jam.

If you still don’t believe me, just read some of these first-hand experiences from those who’ve played it at their summer parties:

“I was stuck cooking burgers and dogs and doing the DJing. Everyone was just kind of standing around like blah. I put on Phoenix and then, BLAM! Partytime!”

“When I realized I wasn’t going to be able to outwit a party guest, I turned on ‘Fences’. Everyone began dancing and praising me. That showed him.”

“Two dandies were competing for the attentions of one scrumptious coquette. When ‘Fences’ came on, the pair got so caught up in dancing, they lost interest in the strumpet and grabbed the first two floozies they saw.”

“I was locked inside of a cellar starving when Phoenix came on. I loved it so much that I forgot all about needing to eat and was able to survive until the arrival of the police.”

“We were in a stockade with a bunch of farm animals. The stink and filth was nearly unbearable. Then ‘Fences’ came on and it was like we were transported to a dancefloor at a seaside resort. Really we were just rolling around in mud and pig feces. But we just didn’t care!”

“The Romans were surrounded by Gallic tribes outside of Alesia. One of the soldiers put on ‘Fences’ by Phoenix. It was just what the Roman Army needed to rally and win the battle.”

“The aliens had bound us with some type of rope made from Moontree. There was just enough room for me to worm my arm out and press ‘Play’ on my iPod Dock. ‘Fences’ by Phoenix came on. Thirty seconds later my friends and I were free and boogying with the little green men until dawn.”

If it can make people roll around in animal feces, rally the Roman Army, and change the minds of sinister aliens, just imagine what it can do for your summer!

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Have you ever, in the heat of passion, burned a photograph of a loved one, destroyed a treasured keepsake or seriously injured a friend, and, afterwards, thought, “I wish there was a way to protect these prized possessions?”?

Meet The Medusanator™!

From WaFB Inc., the company that brought you The Beardini™, Baby Thumb™ and Unnecessary Limb Dinners™, comes a revolutionary new product that is guaranteed to preserve and protect your cherished keepsakes forever!

The Medusanator™ is an amazing new machine that allows you to safeguard all your adored belongings by turning them into stone! Everything from photographs, paintings, figurines, sports/music memorabilia, jewelry and clothing to pets, friends and relatives!

Using The Medusanator™ is easy! Just place the machine in front of the keepsake you’d like to preserve, press The Medusanation Lever™ and, using the powers of Medusa, an ancient Greek gorgon/chthonic female monster, Presto! your beloved belonging is turned to stone, preserving and protecting it forever!

WARNING: Do not look directly into lens when Medusanating. Will cause Medusanation. All Medusanations are permanent.

The Medusanator™ is a product of WaFB Inc.

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Jun
22nd

Mon

There’s a new tag spreading across Brooklyn called “Dickchicken”, which reminds me a little of Neck Face, who has covered much of NYC and San Francisco with his name and/or crazed drawings of demons riding dragons with babies in their claws, only Dickchicken is entertaining in a more vulgar juvenile way as opposed to Neck Face’s vulgar demented way.

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Remember that scene in White Men Can’t Jump when Rosie Perez’s character is on Jeopardy and the category comes up about “Foods beginning with the letter ‘Q’”, which she had been studying along with a bunch of other obscure facts in preparation for getting on to the show, and she’s getting all of the answers of course and then the final answer in the category comes up, she answers it correctly and gets all excited because she’s winning a ton of money and then before the host Alex Trebek can tell her to pick a new category, his mustache begins spinning and he looks rather frightened and the camera cuts to Rosie and the other contestants and they’re all looking at each other like, “What’s this?”, and meanwhile Alex’s mustache is rotating faster and faster on his face until suddenly this vortex opens up at the center of his mustache and the spinning keeps getting faster and faster and the vortex keeps growing and growing until first Alex’s face is completely obscured by the vortex and then his body and then the studio begins shaking violently from the force of the vortex and soon after that the vortex begins sucking in small objects like answer cards and pens and then larger ones like light fixtures and one of the contestants and then the vortex, now roughly fifteen feet in diameter, starts crackling with lightning bolts and a figure takes shape in its center and pieces of the studio are still coming apart from the violence of it all until this figure emerges from the vortex and then vortex abruptly closes and all is still again and the studio is in shambles and Alex Trebek is lying on the floor unconscious with smoke coming from his mustache and the figure that’s emerged is this seven foot tall letter Q and it’s standing there staring at Rosie and the other contestant and the audience is silent and it suddenly speaks, saying, “QQQQQQQQQ.”, and Rosie’s character, she’s real tough, you know, is all like, in that cute little accent, “What do you want, Q?”, and stepping to him and whatnot, and he answers, “QQQQQQQ.” and Rosie blushes and is like, “Oh, thank you so much!” and they converse a little bit more and then he escorts her off the set and there’s this montage of them dating and smiling and laughing and flirting and kissing and just having this wonderful life together and one day Woody Harrelson’s character sees her with the seven foot tall Q and he realizes it’s for the best because he can’t change and seven foot tall Q and Rosie really love each other and it can provide for her and take care of her and this helps him win the game and the money with a dunk?

That was awesome.

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